


needy

by Sweetysweetssugarytreats



Series: 'If I Could Say What I Want To Say' missing pieces. [3]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Bickering, Feelings, Hijikata is winning his battle against denial, Hugs, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Neediness, Pre-Relationship, They are kind of bad but kind of good at feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-21 12:57:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21075275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetysweetssugarytreats/pseuds/Sweetysweetssugarytreats
Summary: And he was aware that this was probably one of the more real conversations they had ever had, even if it involved mostly insulting each other with piercing screams. But what he couldn't understand was…“…Care to explain why we’re holding each other if we’re fighting?”“What’s wrong with it? I like fighting this way.”





	needy

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer (?): This is actually not my original idea. This little thing sort of happened because of an anime I remember I used to watch all the time a loooong while ago and recently nostalgia hit me. I'd say the name in Italian but no one would probably recognize it. Its Japanese name is Kodomo No Omocha, and there's this scene that happens where the two characters who have a crush on each other are fighting and... hugging. I just wanted to give credit where it's due!
> 
> (also the image in the end note is not mine, I just found it browsing the internet and I thought it was closest to the gazebo I was thinking about for the scene)

Gintoki ran like a mad man.

The few people on the street hurried to scatter out of his way, no doubt throwing confused looks and a couple of glares his way. Someone even shouted something behind him, but he didn't care. The light splutters of raindrops started blurring his vision, but he didn't care. His calves were aching, burning from the strain, but he didn't care at all. Even if the world ended in that precise instant he would not stop running until he found him.

* * *

As if the Gods and Goddesses, and the universe, and every other powerful force up there had been listening to his incessant and colorful string of euphemisms (and somewhat desperate pleas), his prayers received an answer.

Something inside had told him he would find Hijikata right here, but even so he couldn't help but think what an unusual place this was for the other man to be in.

Because in front of him stood a small, simple wooden gazebo.

It was almost hidden, located somewhere far from the hustle and bustle of the city, immersed in a sea of green with a splash of wilderness and the vivid shades of flowers surrounding it. It resembled more of a shelter in this kind of weather. The dark grey clouds hung over them, making the afternoon sky appear as dark as the night, giving the place a sense of forsakenness, sweetened by an ambience of hushed stillness that nothing and no one dared to interrupt.

In fact it was so unknown that by most it was referred to as 'the lonely gazebo'. And maybe it was why Hijikata had wanted to come here in the first place.

The mist of the rain fell over the grass, making the tiny droplets spark like glass in this sudden darkness, the wind picked up, stirring the trees and the smell of damp leaves was practically invading his senses.

The crunches under his boots came to a stop once he did too.

The pitter-patter of the rain seemingly muted the noises of the outside world, making him focus on his harsh breathing and leaving him alone with all of his disconcerting thoughts.

And Hijikata was standing there, looking in the distance with a gaze that was far too complicated to decipher, but before he could even try to he had already been noticed. And, well, the sight of a ghost would have probably been a less shocking sight for the Vice-Commander.

And Gintoki, with his heart up in his throat and his feelings exploding in little bursts of electricity inside his ribcage, took a deep breath and lifted himself up from his hunched over position to be eye level with the man who was the culprit of taking up every single fragment of space inside his mind.

Gintoki didn't know if he wanted to laugh, throw a fit, or maybe just start crying.

"…Hijikata." He managed to say through the pounding of his heartbeats and thoughts, making themselves known in his head like ear-shattering drums.

_Finally!_ He thought at first, and could have dropped on the ground right there from the _relief_ of finding him, but with the soothing of it a new splash of anger came back with a vengeance, reminding him of the news he had been given.

So when he took a step forward with decisive indecisiveness, with determination lighting up his insides and a vomit of words threatening to come out of his throat all at once, he… kind of ruined the moment when he yelled at him:

"You fucking asshole!"

He was met with Hijikata's blank, slightly unimpressed face. "…What the hell are you doing here?"

"Oh, you know, I just felt like running half a marathon. I thought to myself, yep, perfect weather for practicing sports today." He heaved just as a bout of thunder cracked, so loud it almost felt like the ground trembled for a second.

Hijikata raised a brow at him, slightly unimpressed. "…Yes, perfect weather."

Although his words were sarcastic, his stare was piercing. Pinning him into place.

Hijikata's confusion only grew, something puzzled and pressing morphed his expression into a more serious one. "What-"

But Gintoki's interruption came in the form of a low, reticent question. "Why did you agree in the end?"

Hijikata faltered. He opened his mouth to tell him off, to counter him, to make his point, but stuttered breaths ended up being his only answer.

"I can't believe it." Gintoki muttered out of the blue with an indignant shake of his head, almost as if he had been talking to himself. "But you always do shit like this anyway."

Hijikata tensed, a sense of urgency making his defences rise. "What's that supposed to mean?"

In just a few strides that were almost too fast Gintoki had practically closed the distance between them, yanking him forward by the collar until their faces were only inches apart.

"You know exactly what." His tone took an icy turn. He wasn't fully aware of what he was saying out loud, but at the same time he didn't care because he was a little too tired of biting his tongue. "It's okay for you to go and risk your fucking life when it's for the 'right reasons', isn't it?"

Hijikata's own anger flared, at the words and at his actions. But it seemed anger was never the only guest to make its presence known when Gintoki was involved. Not anymore, at least. And as much as he wanted to give him an eye for an eye, he just couldn't get past the way Gintoki was _looking_ at him. The way his eyes had turned cold upon seeing him, the ruby red of his glare gleaming darker... and the fact that it was directed at _him._ This was the kind of expression Gintoki used with his enemies and he wasn't used to being on the other end.

It felt so _wrong._

It came as a surprise, for the both of them, when Hijikata, who was always the first to pull away if things between them became too complicated, too much, too _fast,_ found himself taking the first step this time.

His hands lifted to Gintoki's shoulders, gripping him. And then he _pulled_. Just like Gintoki, he didn't have the full knowledge of what was going through his head at the moment to make him act in such a way, but he knew his eyes must be betraying some of the mayhem inside of him. He didn't find it in himself to care however, probably because up until then Gintoki had always been the more sincere of the two when it came to showing his true colors. And maybe Hijikata felt like returning the favor.

And that's how he found himself with his arms around Gintoki, holding him.

And Gintoki, for all his bravado up until then, was so completely caught off guard that for a dozen of seconds he could only remain as still as a statue. Until he registered the warmth of Hijikata's body. And then his brain practically short-circuited. As if on auto-pilot his own arms went around his back, pulling him in as close as he could, because no matter what happened, the desire to always have him close was unquestionable.

With what felt like the weight of the world crashing down on him, his body gave out and in the next moment they both lost against gravity.

Whereas Gintoki found himself not caring the slightest as he ended up sitting on the ground, Hijikata fell on his knees, Gintoki's open legs on either side of him, their arms still locked around each other. And maybe it wasn't the most comfortable place to suddenly have a heart to heart, but it was _the warmest _the both of them had felt in _days._

Only then, in his hold, did Gintoki's eyes soften. Some of the anger was replaced by the concern that had been eating at him, only adding up to the love that was threatening to make him spill his guts right then and there.

When Hijikata felt Gintoki fall into him, as if hit by a chain reaction, he felt his own muscles loosen up, the sharpness of the tension started subsiding.

"What's your problem?" He asked with an edge that was meant to be biting, but his question came out as an uncertain sort of whisper.

"My problem is that-" Gintoki paused and bit on his lower lip enough to _hurt_, to stop himself from saying something too revealing, something that would lead Hijikata to figure out his feelings for him. "-you're careless!" He ended up with, instead.

"Hah? What are you talking about?"

"You never care about yourself. And you want to know why? It's because you're a selfish bastard." Gintoki's nails dug on his back in what should have been an intimidating way to drive his point across, but in truth only appeared as a pitiful attempt at accusation.

Hijikata didn't loosen the hug, even if his expression darkened. "…I'm not selfish."

"And what do you call what you're about to do!?" Gintoki practically glowered, holding him even closer.

"That's not selfish!" Hijikata growled, mirroring his actions.

"It is 'cause things always have to go _your_ way!" Gintoki's heart rate picked up with his volume and he was sure he could _hear _the blood pumping through his veins. "And when they don't, you do everything in your power to overturn the outcome and get the end result that _you_ want because you're so fucking stubborn! And determinate! And selfish! You're _so_ selfish!"

"So now you're calling _me _selfish because I'm doing my job?!"

"See what I'm talking about?! You want to be right and you want people to agree with whatever you say because you _always_ think you're in the right!"

Hijikata gritted his teeth, growing more aggravated by the second as each word hit his pride like a small blow, until finally…"You know what?! I am! I'm selfish!" But he wouldn't be the only one who got called out. "And you're selfish too!"

"Huh?! The hell are you talking about?!"

"You always have to butt in and stick your nose where you're not wanted! And in the process you fuck things up for everyone else! But of course you don't care about any of that if _you _are the one who comes out winning in the end!"

Gintoki's hands closed in fists around his jacket and his irritation flared inside of him until he was sure actual smoke was coming out every time he opened his mouth. "Fine! Okay! I'm selfish! And you know what? Since I'm selfish I won't give a flying fuck about anything you do! Go and blow up your head, see if I care!"

"Maybe I will!" Hijikata answered in kind. "And I don't give a shit that you don't care!"

Gintoki squeezed his arms around him. "Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"FINE!"

Their breath left their lungs in short bursts of air, the frustration seizing up their bodies was enough to cloud their brains. At first. Because when they had a little more time to collect and cool themselves, the anger slowly started to ebb away, bit by bit.

Hijikata wasn't stupid, he knew what he was risking. And he also knew that this was not just Gintoki making a nuisance out of himself (as usual), he did actually have a point this time around. And he was aware that this was probably one of the more real conversations they had ever had, even if it involved mostly insulting each other with piercing screams. But what he couldn't understand was…

"…Care to explain why we're holding each other if we're fighting?" He ended up asking in a slightly breathless (and slightly more than hesitant) voice, deciding to do absolutely everything in his power and then some to _ignore_ how his cheeks were heating up at the mention of their… current condition, never mind the fact _he_ had been the one to initiate it.

But all Gintoki did was shrug his shoulders and scoot a little closer. "What's wrong with it? I like fighting this way."

Something snapped inside of him at that. Maybe it was his heart skipping ten beats at once at Gintoki's unwillingness to let go of him, or maybe it was a matter of something else altogether. He didn't know and he didn't bother himself with wanting to.

"Fine." He uttered lowly. "But it's… a little weird." He continued, as if to try and assure himself that this was just so _completely_ out of the ordinary and no one else in their right mind would ever do what they currently were. "It's weird, isn't it?"

What was even weirder was how he… didn't seem to mind it. He didn't mind it one single bit. And that was definitely _weird_, right?

"So?" But Gintoki's nonchalant tone didn't leave much to question. "We're weird, deal with it."

He was ready to rebuke- but somehow managed to hold his tongue for one reason or another. He supposed he just had to deal with it, for now. Moreover, there was something almost… _delicate_ about this, like a wire that was being held taut, ready to break at a moment's notice. And against his better judgement he didn't want to take the risk of ruining this.

Gintoki's hold on him grew a tad stronger and he allowed himself to go along with it, shifting some until he was resting his head on top of the other man's. His lips curled up the slightest bit at the notion that, even if a bit wet by the rain, Gintoki's hair was still soft. Of all the things to be captivated about his hair should have definitely been the strangest option, and still Hijikata found himself thinking about running his fingers through the maze of soft curls more often than he cared to admit.

Maybe it was all in the heat of the moment, but his next words sounded out in a truthful mumble. "I would've told you… eventually."

Looking up at him to see what kind of expression he had, Gintoki's eyes found their way to his. "Really?"

And now it was Gintoki's turn to be hesitant it seemed and something inside Hijikata cracked, just a little bit, making his own eyes soften. His answering nod was sincere.

They were so close they could feel the warmth of each other's breath. Before he let Hijikata see just how much he was able to affect him in the simplest of ways, Gintoki went back to dropping his head on his firm shoulder, effectively hiding his face.

At the display Hijikata felt something climb up inside of him and fill up his ribcage, until it was pressing uncomfortably against his heart.

...But his eyebrows drew together as a sudden thought struck him. "Wait. How did you even find out?"

Gintoki's answer came out muffled from his shoulder. "Soichiro-Kun told me."

Hijikata almost rolled his eyes, looking up in exasperation. "…Of course he did."

"Look, the kid might be a handful. But he cares about you." Gintoki immediately went to Sougo's defense, remembering just how the teen had looked when he broke the news to him. No matter if he didn't say it out loud, it was clear just how strong the bond that connected him to Hijikata was. "If he wasn't worried he wouldn't have said anything in the first place, don't you think?"

"I know." Hijikata mumbled somewhat contrived, admitting it meant admitting defeat in his head because he knew he was on the verge of diving head first into something that was better left alone. "…I didn't want him…" He stopped. Closing his eyes, his chin fell on Gintoki's shoulder, a barricade of thoughts running through him. This was the kind vulnerability that he was never really comfortable showing, but he was also never exactly lucid when he was with Gintoki. And when the two things combined this was the result. "…I didn't want anyone to worry."

"I know." Gintoki echoed. His fingertips danced across Hijikata's back in gentle motions, as if the action would be enough to reassure the other man of no doubt the guilt that was gnawing at him. But despite himself, he couldn't help a small grin. "You're selfless like that."

Hijikata's eyebrow ticked and one of his hands shot up to Gintoki's hair, tugging. "Says the one who called me _selfish _over and over again."

"Ow! Careful with that!" Gintoki pinched his shoulder in retaliation, sighing. "…Hey, one can be selfless and selfish at the same time."

"I don't think it works like that."

"Nuh-uh, it definitely does."

A beat of silence passed. Each one was too lost in his own thoughts, but hyper-aware of the other at the same time.

"You wanna know something?" Gintoki abruptly asked, turning his head to the side and focusing on a scratched spot in the wood of the floor.

Hijikata hummed to let him know he was listening.

"…You look like a crazy cat when you're mad." He mumbled all of a sudden. "A crazy cat with wild and vicious eyes."

Hijikata blinked, taken aback. He couldn't say he wasn't a little offended. "…What?"

"Nah, you look more like a monster." Gintoki continued with a new veil of irritation swiveling through him as his brain-to-mouth filter disappeared for a moment (this certainly wasn't the first time it happened).

Hijikata frowned. "Wait _what?"_

"Like one of those fuzzy little monsters with obsessions for really creepy food." He ignored him as he went on, nodding to himself with his face scrunched up a little in concentration. "Yeah, that's definitely it. You look like a little Oogushi monster. A little Moogushi, if you will."

The vein in Hijikata's forehead pulsed dangerously and he didn't think twice about pulling on the curls again, harder this time.

"Ow!" Gintoki yelped and his hand immediately went to Hijikata's cheek, pinching it.

"Stop pulling!" Hijikata exclaimed, while pulling harder.

"You stop pulling!" Gintoki also exclaimed, while also pulling harder.

"Only if you let go first!"

Neither of them was willing to be the first to back down though, so they stared into each other's eyes with the glint of a challenge shining in them.

"On the count of three."

"…One."

"Two…"

"Three!" They said at the same time.

…and neither let go.

"…"

"…"

Gintoki shook his head. "Well, now I'm disappointed in the both of us."

"Now?" Hijikata raised a brow in disbelief. "I've always been disappointed in you."

"How dare you mayo freak?!"

"The only freak here is the one who can eat ten sittings of parfait in one go!"

"Excuse me?! That's called _talent!"_

"Check again with your doctor! That's called diabetes!"

"Ha! Joke's on you! I never go to the doctor!"

"Why are you saying that like it's a good thing?!"

In a mess of limbs, where they were pretending to push each other away, they were doing nothing more but trying to pull _closer_, and it was then that it almost became easier for Hijikata to think. And still the only thing he could think about was Gintoki coming all the way here and…

…Was he worried about him?

No. No way. It couldn't be… could it? But here they were right now. Gintoki had run up to him. Gintoki had screamed at him. His decision had been enough to spark up anger in him.

That must mean something at the very least.

Because here Hijikata was, feeling…_this._ He didn't even know what _this _was. He just knew it was all Gintoki's fault since he was the only one who could make him feel this way. It really wasn't fair how a small gesture from him could make his whole day or end up breaking it.

Almost unconsciously, his fingers trailed from Gintoki's shoulder up to his neck, touching the smooth strands there. The hair at Gintoki's nape was somehow curlier, thicker and definitely softer, and Hijikata didn't remember when he learnt such a detail, but it was engraved in his mind now and sometimes, only _sometimes,_ he found himself wanting to reach out and thread his fingers through Gintoki's hair.

What was this kind of feeling?

To interrupt his sudden thoughts (that would no doubt spiral in a panic at this rate) was his phone, lighting up on the single bench inside the gazebo where he had left it. It could be no one other than Kondo at this time, but he…didn't reach for it. This was one of those rarer than rare occurrences where Hijikata didn't want to have to deal with, well, everything. He just couldn't. Not now.

Not when Gintoki was right here and-… he couldn't let his responsibilities get him out of _this. _

He didn't even notice how his grip on Gintoki tightened.

But Gintoki squeezed him right back, eyeing the phone from the corner of his eye with what was mostly resentment, but a lonely gleam of despair was drowning in his eyes. He averted his gaze, returning back to Hijikata's intoxicating but now so familiar scent. What could he do… he didn't want to let him leave.

"…Don't go." Gintoki whispered in the stillness of the moment.

It was as if time itself froze, and Hijikata did too along with it, eyes going wide and mouth falling open, even if nothing came out. He stood still, shocked at the unexpected request. So unexpected he forgot to breathe.

It was in the words, but it was in the quietness in which they were uttered too, the defenseless vulnerability in them. It was difficult, if not impossible, to think those kind of words could come from such a strong and proud man like Gintoki. That should mean something, too.

Gintoki didn't say anything else, didn't elaborate further. And didn't even ask himself if it was it too much, this desire to want to keep him safe at all costs.

Hijikata shivered when Gintoki's breath fanned over his skin, the goosebumps breaking out over him weren't due to the rain. He closed his eyes against the onslaught of sensations, not feeling the need to deal with the alarms blaring off inside his brain at the unfolding of the moment. Instead, as if going against himself, his arms wound up around Gintoki's neck. Their cheeks barely touching, even if the heat radiating off their bodies was unmistakable.

"…I'm not going anywhere right now." It was all he could offer.

Gintoki exhaled, Hijikata didn't know if it was from frustration or relief, or maybe even a mixture of both, but his hold on him didn't falter and he thought that might be the best he could hope for right then.

It didn't take long for thin rays of sunlight to softly breach through the dark grey clouds, giving way to splotches of light, and giving the illusion of a warmer sort of cold. He didn't notice a small smile tilting up the corners of his lips when his cheek rested against Gintoki's slightly damp, but oh so _soft_ curls.

Of all the ways they had fought up till now, Hijikata had to admit he might just like this one better.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Only later, when Hijikata was on his own again, did it hit him.

It was slow, the realization that the less Gintoki appeared untouchable... the more he was getting caught up in him.

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of the gazebo I was thinking about:
> 
> I am literally late on life but... HAPPY (VERY LATE) BIRTHDAY DEAR AMAZING GINTOKI! (happy late birthday to Naruto and Nishinoya too!) (I hope Hijikata spoiled you with gifts and love)
> 
> This is actually /incomplete/ 
> 
> The real chapter is going to be in ‘If I Could Say What I Want To Say’ and will be a loooot longer because some things are going to happen and some people are going to react to those things, so it's meant to be confusing now… but I just really wanted to write something fluffy for Gin, even if they’re kind of fighting ^.^’  

> 
> ...okay but it should actually be canon that they fight while hugging.


End file.
